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This is a re-share from a post i made in my men's circle.

I usually share everything BUT my relationship life so it feels a BIT edgy to do so here.

Regardless of that, I know it will serve people so here it is.

(please play nice)


I shared recently about how I was getting needy with women.

Things had been very "in flow" with several amazing women i'd been connecting with,


Since i got back the dynamics haven't been the same.

Where before i'd been solid and centred i now noticed i was "leaning in".

Craving. Chasing. Seeking..

If someone didn't reply or i didn't feel their interest i'd find myself dissappointed.

I'd slid from relating in a "conscious" way

to chasing validation and not knowing i was doing it.


That's not who I choose to be.

So I sat back and did some inner work.

(bear with me it gets nerdy from here)

I felt into what was going on inside.

Then i muscle tested up a few things.

One thing i asked:

"what level of development am I at in the area of relationships?"

It came up as LEVEL 3 (or the red meme) in Spiral dynamics.

this is the level of the self, the ego and impulsive "gimme what i want now" behaviour.

In other words, being selfish and short term focussed.

The next level up (LEVEL 4 or the blue meme) is about order, structure, honour and morals.

I've NEVER entered into relationship from this place.

So I sat in the bath with my hands on my heart and asked:

What rules or principles would bring greater integrity to this area of my life?

Here's what came in:


1. I stay in my centre at all times.

I mean this in an embodied sense. Men often get "off centre" around women. Especially sexy or emotional ones.

I know when i'm leaning in or trying to escape - i'm no longer centred. When that happens it's time to re-centre myself.

2. I speak my desires, boundaries and intentions upfront.

I'm honest and direct about what i'm feeling and what i want and don't want.

(i've gotten WAY better at this in the last year. It remains the second thing to check to know if I'm in integrity or not.)

3. I don't compromise my standards.

(see the following)


1. She is responsive to me and my energy.

(this isn't about 'making' anything happen. this is a reminder to me to ONLY invest my energy with someone who 100% wants to be in connection with me. not expensive prom party dresses in color red

This frees me from the unresourceful behaviour of 'chasing' or 'winning her over'.

It also means I don't spend time with someone who's not 100% in integrity with themselves!

2. She brings beauty and inspiration into my life.

(this is a reminder of WHY I actually want someone in my space whether short term or long.

There are many ways this can look.
In general radiance, nurturance, sexiness and joy are the gifts i choose to welcome in!)

3. She is safe to be around. Especially on the emotional level.

This one's THE big deal breaker for me.

In the last couple of years i've come deeper into my feelings and realised how important this sense of safety is.

4. She can carry herself well and remain grounded in the spaces i'm likely to traverse in the next few years.

This one's kind of a more long term one. I'm still fleshing out what it means.

Can she come where i'm going?

is she triggered by wealth, fame etc?

If so.. not much point getting into anything serious!

I sat in the bath and let these sink into my body.

I "anchored" them as part of me.

I felt different straight away.

More calm.

More centred.

More stable.

The process worked because that night i had a dream:

It was me breaking up with my first 'serious' girlfriend aged 22.

Unlike the real life version which had been dramatic, this was sad but harmonious and healing.

When i woke i sensed that my relationship to ALL partners past/present/future had shifted.

More clarity of who i am, what i bring and what my standards are.

Felt like more self respect and dignity.

Since then two of the ongoing connections i've had have ended.

I'm sad in part but feeling STRONG and self loving too.

I'm safer in my body because my inner child knows i won't sell him out for sex or validation.

So.. i'm not sure HOW it's going to look but there are shifts happening in this area.

Will i swing ALL the way back to monogamy?

Not feeling that.


bringing more intentionality and deep honesty to this area of my life.

I know i'm here to bring BIG things into the world.

Relationship has to support and align with that.

To be continued...



it takes a lot to share this stuff.

my request is - spare me your advice!

i'm in an awesome place with my own journey.

as a man i often find when i share something vulnerable people (often women) mistake that as a request for help. that's not what this is.

my intention with this kind of share is.. to be witnessed.

imagine you're in a men's circle..

one of the rules we hold is..


allow each man to have his process.

if the urge is super strong to advise...

perhaps you could inspect what part of you needs to do that ;)

<3 <3 <3